My Mess and God's Grace

Today I’m reminded of how it takes time for real change to take root.  I must recognize that I’m on a journey of change. 

When I have time to think about my actions and reactions, I am choosing well.  God’s Word is piercing my mind and heart.  But when in a “gut reaction” situation, I default to my sinful self. 

Tonight a sudden storm developed and quickly raged against our home.  I stopped the show the kids were watching to check the news to see if we were in danger.  I told the boys to be quiet so I could hear the meteorologist.  I heard Joe talking and assumed he didn’t want to be quiet.  He kept talking, so I told him to stop so I could hear the TV.  He talked again.  I raised my voice and snapped at him.  I heard his voice again.  I raised my voice louder and snapped fiercer.  I could hear, “listen to him” in my mind, but I didn’t obey.  I pressed forward straining to hear over the large hail pounding on our home.  He then whispered and I snapped with even greater ferociousness at his lack of obedience. 

I finally heard the weather.  I moved the kids to the bathroom, and I finally listened to my precious five year old son.  With a very timid voice he barely spoke, “Mommy, what time will the storm be over?”  This was what he had been asking all along; a simple question that could have received a simple answer.  But instead of pausing and listening to him for a moment in the midst of the storm, I broke his spirit with harsh words and tone.  I failed.  In those few seconds, I failed.

So now I sit here with tears in my eyes.  I apologized to my five year old boy without any excuses.  I sought his forgiveness.  And, his sweet, growly voice said, “I forgive you, Mommy.”  But all I want to do is sit here in my sorrow.  To wallow in how broken my heart is that I hurt my child with my tone and words.  To speak over and over again, “I don’t want to fail anymore.”

Yet in my despair, I can hear God’s Word offering me hope.  And I praise Him for reminding me of His grace.  His sweet, sweet grace given to me and to every person who invites Jesus to save her.  And I feel hope rising within.  And with a deep breath I remember, that is amazing grace.

***

I failed tonight Lord.  And the worst part is that I failed my children.  The precious, beautiful ones You have given me.  I guess I’m disappointed because I didn’t think I would react that way.  I expected more of myself.   I thought changes had been rooted deeper in me.  Please forgive me.  Please Father, turn me around. 

Plant Your Word deeper within me.  I see so much sin in my life.  I see so many areas that need to be pruned.  And, it is easy to get discouraged.  It is easy to believe the lies that freedom isn’t possible for me.  To believe there will always be a stronghold in my life.

 But Your Word says there is freedom.  So I will continue to seek it with all my heart and let You do the work in me.  Forgive me when I try to fix myself -  when I slip into the mentality that if I just try hard enough then You will love me more…  that if I do more good things then bad that You will bless me more…  that if I am good, then You will have plans for me.  Teach me to live under Your grace.  Your grace that means You give unmerited kindness.  Your grace that is free - there is nothing I can do to earn it.  Your grace that is a gift.  Teach me to relish in the gift from You.  To see You more clearly.  To surrender my whole heart to You 24/7.

***

You struggle with hearing Me tonight, Child.  Your mind is reeling in chaos and confusion.  You are distracted by the storm outside as well as the storm within your heart.  For it is the storms in your heart which bring the distractions you face. 

Remember the lyrics in a song from your childhood, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus.  Look full in His wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”  Do you remember?  Do you remember how Jesus calmed the storm with one command?  Look in my eyes, Child.  Look to me.  I see the storm raging around you and My hand is there.  My hand of protection will not let you be swept away.  Look to me and I will sustain you.  I will guide you through it.  I will bring you to victory and freedom.

Do not give up.  Persevere.  Run the race I have marked out for you.  Training your children in the way they should go does not mean you must be a perfect parent.  For if you were perfect, how could they learn about forgiveness and grace?  Who would teach them how to live in this imperfect world?  Use your moments of sin to teach them about repentance, forgiveness, grace and mercy.  This teaches them  who I am.  And trust Me with the plans I have for them and their future.

The One Who Holds You

***

I don’t like to relive this day.  In fact, sharing it with you is even more difficult.  Why?  It isn’t fun to expose sinful messes.  And I have lots of messes. 

What I do love to share is how God loves me (and you) through the messes and redeems every one of them.  That is who He is  - Love and Redeemer.  Will you pause for a moment with me and let that wash over you?  God is Love.  God is Redeemer.  He loves us in our messes.  He’ll redeem every one of them.

Is there something in your life you don’t want to relive?  Is there some kind of ugly, sinful messiness you have yet to deal with?  If so, let me encourage you to stop and talk to God about it.  You don’t have to use fancy words, or speak in a certain way.  Just talk.  Tell Him what you are holding inside. 

If you have dealt with your ugly, sinful messiness and given it to Jesus, have you let it go?  Or are you holding on to it?  Remembering it continually?  And trying to figure out a way to be good enough for Jesus?  If so, let me encourage you to stop.  I totally understand where you are.  It is where I have lived much of my life.  But, it is not where He wants us to live.  He wants us to live under grace; under His sweet love and grace.  Let it go and every time it creeps back into your mind, speak the truth of the following Scriptures, and let them settle in your heart.

I AM LOVED

1 John 3:16, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.”

1 John 4:10, “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

Ephesians 2:8, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.”

I AM FORGIVEN

Psalm 103:12, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

I AM FREE

Romans 8:1-2, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” 

2 Corinthians 3:17, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

I AM REDEEMED

2 Timothy 2:11-14, “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.  It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.”