All My Heart?  Really?

All year I have asked myself, “What does it mean to give all my heart?”  

Which led to, “Is it possible?”

And then, “How do I do it?”

And next, “What does it look like?”  

Is it when the bride and groom say, “I do”?  If so, then why is there divorce?

Is it when a mother holds her new child?  If so, then why do some moms abandon their children?

Is it when a person commits her life to Jesus?  If so, then why does she fall into sin?

And, even though I want to, is it humanly possible for me to give God all of my heart with such a messy life?  

***

Lord, what does giving You all  my heart mean?  You hear all my questions.  You see my head spinning.  You know when I sit and when I rise.  You know every detail of my life.  Have I ever given you all of my heart?  Am I even capable of doing so?


***

My Child,
Stop and think.  When is the one time perfect love has been demonstrated?  Was it by a man or a woman?  No.  It was shown when I sent my One and Only Son to take care of sin once and for all.  Only I am capable of perfect love.  And, even with a fully surrendered heart, you, My Child, cannot give perfect love.  It is something only I, Your Father, am capable of.  

But, you are capable of daily surrender.  A surrendered heart seeks Me completely.  It is humble.  It is sacrificial.  It is willing to lay its selfish ambitions down for My will.  It is being real - open and honest with Me - rather than trying to hide or go your own way.    

There have been so many moments over the course of your precious life that you have given Me all of your heart.  When you sobbed as you confessed your sin and accepted My free gift of salvation through Jesus.  And, the first day you began full-time ministry when you cried out to Me knowing you could never minister by your own power.  Moments when you faced great loss, and others where you were speechless in the midst of experiencing My power.  Pause and remember.  And trust that every time you have surrendered your heart, you have given Me all of you.  

So, is it possible?  Yes, Child.  Seek Me.  Surrender.

Your Father

***

Surrender can be easy.  Like the first time I held each of my newborn babies.

Surrender can be my only option.  Like in times of complete brokenness when it was the only way I could breathe and then ultimately the only way I found healing.

Surrender can be difficult.  Like when I’m comfortable and it means I’m going to be uncomfortable.  Or when I think my way is the best way.  

I seem to continually find myself in a state of complete surrender only to soon find myself struggling with the challenge to stay there.  The busyness of life distracts me.  To-do lists take over.  Complacency lures me to just get by.  Weariness begs me to veg in front of the television.

So, how can I leave myself in a place of complete surrender...  of giving all my heart to Jesus...  of living for Him?

Honestly?  I still don’t know.  I’ve wrestled through this for an entire year and I still go back and forth.  Even last night, I realized the source of my current struggle is not  because of my current circumstances, but instead because of a lack of surrender.  But, I am learning and I am moving forward.  And, that is my hope.  So, here are a few things I have learned along the way.  And, I would love for you to leave a comment sharing what you have learned throughout your life about living surrendered.

1.  When I pause and write down each struggle with a prayer circle, it is an act of surrender.

2.  When I am overwhelmed with life and have lost my peace and joy, I have found that somewhere on my journey, I started trudging through life on my own rather than living surrendered.  Reviewing and often renewing my contract with God resets me.  

3.  When I am using “ifs” in my thoughts and words, I am asserting my own control over my life again.  I’m making excuses.  I’m envying others.  I’m discontent and jealous.  When the “ifs” increase, I can know I picked up my life again.  Reviewing and renewing my contract with God resets me.

And, the beautiful thing?  Every time I lay myself back down, God welcomes me with open arms.  He holds me close.  He resets my heart, my steps, and allows me to exchange my will for His own.  And, I experience peace in the storms.  Joy in the unknown.  Breath in the chaos.

Beautiful isn’t it?

Are You Surrendered?

Surrender.  What comes to mind when you think of this word?

I think of enemy soldiers waving a white flag and surrendering to the good guys.

I think of the hymn, “I Surrender All.”  

I think of a very rough day when I crawl into bed with nothing left to give anyone and I whisper, “I surrender.”

Merriam-Webster.com defines “surrender” as this:
“1.   a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
      b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2.   a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
      b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)”

What stands out to you in this definition?  

If you know the hymn, “I Surrender All”, click here (http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/I_Surrender_All/) and sing the words with me,

Did you notice the progression of surrender in the song?  It perfectly matches the definition of surrender...  of yielding to God’s power, control and possession....  to give oneself over to God...  to let Him be the complete influence over one’s life.  

I invite you to ask this question with me, “Am I surrendered?”

* * *

Father, you know surrender is difficult for me.  There is something deep within that longs for control and order.  I want to know what is coming next and to be able to plan every step.  But, your plans for me are greater than my own.  They are always better.  And, so, I surrender again today.  I open my tightly closed fists, lift my palms up to You in the heavens, and surrender my all.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to do this daily - even minute by minute when I need to.  Thank you for a precious hymn which teaches me step by step how to do it and the blessing I receive in return - more of You.

*                                                                     *                                                                           *
My Child,
I love you more than the stars I placed in the heavens.  You are more precious to Me than the richest of jewels.  And, I simply adore you more than you can ever comprehend.

Stop for a moment and remember some of the times you surrendered your wants, desires and will in order to receive Mine.  Throughout each of them, I was there.  I cradled you in My arms when it hurt so much you could barely breathe.  I wiped away every tear from your face.  And, I lovingly corrected you when you threw your own selfish temper tantrum because I fulfilled My will rather than yours.  I heard every cry and felt all of your hurt, pain, disappointment, frustration and anger.  And, every time, I have exchanged it for life...  beautiful life.  I know the process has often taken longer than you wished for and many times the pain greater than you thought you could bear.  But I have never left you.  And, I never will.

Keep surrendering.  Keep walking step by step.  And see the life I have yet to unfold before you.

Your Refuge  

We Are Live!

Our new study "IF" is now live!  Click here to see the introductory video.  This first one is long, so be prepared to have 15 minutes.  After this, each one will be no more than 5-7 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfeHyCq_Hvg

Surrendered,
Holly

My New Journey. Will You Join Me?

2013.  

A new year.

A fresh start.

Each new year can bring anticipation, excitement, and quite a few questions along the way.  I started 2012 with many questions about my health, my family, and the ministry God has called me to, to name a few.  Some questions have been answered and others are still in process.  

And, even though there are so many unknowns, I have made a new commitment.  I’m laying down all the excuses, fears, insecurities, and other things that paralyze me from moving forward.  I call these my “ifs.”  We all have them.  I have a lot of them.  Some of them I have held closely to me for far too long.  Others I’ve laid down only to turn around and pick them back up.

So, for 2013, I surrender.  And instead, I say, “I’m following.”  

***
Father, I thank you for the difficult seasons of life.  It is often in those hard places that I stop and seek You with all my heart.  2012 had many challenges.  I shed many tears.  I laid awake many dark nights.  But You were there.  You were always there.  And You blessed me.

Thank you for shining light on all the “ifs” I continually speak which stop me from moving forward with You.  “If only I was more outgoing...  if only I was like so-and-so... if only life wasn’t so busy...”  You’ve heard them all, Lord.  And I thank you for calling me to lay them down and instead say, “I’m following You.”  

Teach me how to do this...  how to daily surrender...  how to exchange my will for Yours.  How to be a woman after your own heart.  I want You to have all of me...  every piece...  And then I know I’ll stand amazed at what You do.

***
My Daughter,
I have much to show you and those who are traveling with you on this new journey.  I go before you.  I am making a way.  I will rise up beauty from ashes.  I will restore brokenness.  I will redeem even the darkest of sinners.  

Lift your countenance to Me.  Look up into the heavens and seek My eyes.  For I see you.  I see the women who are walking with you.  And I love each of you with a love deeper than any ocean and wider than any sea.  It is unconditional.  And, it will free you.  Receive My love each day...  fully and completely embrace it.  It is through My love that you will be able to more fully surrender and follow Me.  

I, too, am excited to walk with you.  Amazing things will come as my amazing plans unfold.
The One Who Loves with an Everlasting Love

***

Today this blog begins new course.  I will still share my messy life and how God redeems it all.  You will see my ups and downs.  But it will also be one part of a new calling God has placed on my heart.  

Over the past several months, I’ve realized how I have let one simple word overpower my life.  It is two simple letters.  Yet life altering.  “If.”  I’ve used this word to make excuses.  I’ve used this word to justify my choices.  I’ve used this word to dodge responsibility.  And now, through the grace and strength of God, I’m laying it down.  I’m laying down my excuses, fears, and insecurities and say instead “I’m Following!”  

And while I am not sure what twists and turns lie ahead.  I invite you to pause and think about your own “if” statements.  I invite you to lay them down and journey with me.  And, I pray God takes you to a deeper relationship with Him for 2013.  I pray you will follow harder, stronger, and faster.  I pray your faith will increase and that, at the end of 2013, you will be able to look back and see you declared more boldly with me, “I’m following!”

Surrendered,
Holly

P.S.  If you have not yet heard about the on-line study I’m teaching which will take us a little deeper on this journey, be sure to email me at hgillespie@fccn.org for details!

I'm Hosting a New On-Line Bible Study!

I'm excited and extremely nervous to tread new territory and host my first on-line Bible study.  Why does it make me nervous?
                             1.  I have never taken an on-line study before.  I've never even researched them.  
                              2.  I'm extremely technologically challenged.
                              3.  I'm afraid it will flop.

But greater than my fears and nerves is my confidence in Christ.  You see, the whole idea popped in my head when I was taking a spiritual retreat day with God.  I wasn't even thinking about Bible studies.  I was reading  and praying through Jennie Allen's book, "Anything."   I was asking God to be big...  to plant dreams bigger than me inside my heart and mind.  And, I was surrendered to do anything.

So, here we are.  I decided not to run.  With each faithful step I've taken, God has opened another door.  And that is the exciting part for me.  

Here are the details for the study:

What is it about?  How many times have you said the word "if" in your mind or out loud already today?  I've realized over the past few months how I have let this simple word with two letters slowly take over my heart and mind.  In this study we are going to look at the power of this word and learn to replace it with the words, "I'm following."  God has amazing plans for each of our lives.  We'll dig in with a short, brief study each week and see what He has in store for us individually and together.

How will it work? 
1.  Next week I will post the message I shared at our Women's Kick off this past Sunday night on our You Tube Channel.  Go to www.youtube.com and add the channel FirstWomensMinistry.  If it doesn't work, let me know and I'll find someone to help us figure it out (remember, I'm technologically challenged).

2.  I will post a short 5-7 minute brief teaching time on our You Tube Channel by January 23.

3.  If you have emailed me (hgillespie@fccn.org) that you want to take this class, then I will email you the questions and scriptures for you to look over during the week.

4.  I will host a live on-line class each Wednesday beginning January 30 from 9-9:30 a.m. and then again in the evening from 8:30-9:00 p.m.  This will be a private class.  You must sign up for it through me so I can securely invite you to participate.  I will have a webcam so you will be able to see and hear me.  If you have a webcam, the class will be able to see and hear you as well.  If you do not have a webcam, you will be able to see and hear those who do and you can enter the class through typing your thoughts. You do not have to do the live on-line class to participate.

What is the cost?
Since this is our first pilot, the cost is covered.

What do I need to do to sign up?
Email me at hgillespie@fccn.org.  Let me know if you will do the live class and if so, which one you prefer.

Who can participate?  Is it just for women from First Christian?
It is now open to anyone as long as spots are open.

Feel free to send me any questions you have!  Thank you for treading new territory with me.  I have a feeling we will laugh a lot through this new experience!

Holly

Happy New Year and Many Thanks!

Thank you for a wonderful kick off last night!  I'm amazed at how God reached in and touched hearts through the worship and teaching time.  

If you missed it, know you will be able to catch it on YouTube in the coming week or so.  I'll post more about it when it is ready to go.

As I closed 2012 and opened 2013, I thought of you women who I love so much.  I truly enjoy reflecting at the end of each year.  Each one holds its times of sorrows and joy…  failures and victories…  questions and answers.  

And 2012 was no different.  I faced loss and heart ache.  I cried tears until there were no more.  I had health scares, child scares and security scares.  I also had too many blessings to count, victories abundant and love overflowing. 

Thank you for letting me share the last part of this year my messy life.  And while I will keep on sharing the realness of my life in 2013, it will look a little different. 

This blog will take a bit of a different turn as I also begin teaching an on-line Bible study.  How it will all play out, I’m not sure.  I will continue to post weekly on the blog.  And, I do know we are on target to start for the on-line study to begin on January 23.  I will post a video for you to preview during the week.  I'll email some thoughts and scriptures to ponder and then I'll be available for a live class chat on Wednesday mornings from 9-9:30 a.m. and then again from 8:30-9:00 p.m.  If you are interested, please email me at hgillespie@fccn.org.  

While I'm unsure of all the technicalities, I am sure of the call God has placed upon my heart to reach women who cannot physically attend a Bible study.  I would cherish your prayers for clarity as I seek His desires for all of it. 

My prayer for you is this from Philippians 1:3-6,  “I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy  because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I look forward to what God has for us next!

Surrendered,

Holly