Day 4...  July 28, 2012

The peace in me is indescribable.  I thought it would take many, many days before I could see any change.  However, I see a huge change.  Even with working a different schedule, I have been calmer.  That is unusual because when I’m not in the “norm” I usually feel out of control. 

I still have the temptations before me, but I can hear the “warning bells” going off in my head to react in a Godly way.  There are many examples with the children, but I don’t think this is about those situations.  Instead, think it is about the work God is doing in me.  I’ve asked Him for help, and He is intervening.  I’m seeking Him, and He is answering.  I’m heeding His direction, and He is blessing me and my family. 

***

Lord, I see the change in the children and me.  Our home doesn’t feel chaotic;  it feels peaceful.  I know I keep saying this each day, but I’m just so grateful.  And, I’m so amazed at how quickly You have granted it to us.  I know we still have a long journey ahead…  it has only been four days.  I know the temptations will become greater, but I just want to say thank you for these days.  Thank you for being here.  Thank you for the hope You have given to me.  Thank you for blessing me with a new experience with You.

***

My Child,

You are experiencing your faith in action.  You turned to me when you were desperate, doubtful, and discouraged.  You gave each of those to Me, and surrendered.  You hit bottom and were finally ready to give Me all of you.  You have given Me your control…  expectations…  stress…  perfection.  You have given it all to Me, and have listened to My voice.  And, now you have found rest.  The journey is still long…  I have much to teach you… I have much to show you.  Hold tight to the memory of these days.  Cling to them.  Cherish them.  Remember them.  For the memory of these days will help strengthen you in more difficult days to come.  I will not let go of you;  I will not loosen My grip.  Hold fast for the next leg of the journey, and more freedom will be given to you.

Your Faithful Father

I still remember rejoicing over the change I could see in my home and the feeling within me.  I remember the deep gratitude.  And, I wish I could say it stayed forever.  However, you will see in days to come that it didn’t.  The struggle continued on…  continues on…  and it is hard.  It is so hard, in fact, that there were a few days when I made the decision to stop sharing my journey.  I’ve humbly told God I couldn’t do it anymore…  I am too weak…  I am failing…  there is no way these words could encourage another person.  But, each time, He has sent someone to encourage me…  to share her journey with me.  And, I’m realizing that our “messes” and our “stuff” are different, but what is common is that we all have them.  And, often, we each think we are the only one who is a “mess”…  who has “stuff.” 

So, wherever you are right now, I want to encourage you to press on.  Celebrate the good moments.  Thank God for them.  Praise Him for them, and continue pressing on.  When you fall (and you will), share it with God.  He already knows.  Avoiding the fall, talking around the fall, and/or ignoring the fall will not bring healing.  It will only bring more brokenness. 

I have no idea who is reading these posts.  But, today, I pray for each of you.  I pray you will love God more.  I pray He will lift your countenance…  your heart…  your soul.  As I pray, I wonder if you know Jesus.  Do you?  Do you know the Jesus of the Bible (not just what you have heard about Him, but who He says He is)?  I think everyone who is reading this will know of Him, but do you know Him?  If you aren’t sure…  or if you have questions, will you call me at 812-858-5000 or email me at hgillespie@fccn.org, so we can simply chat for a few minutes?

Regardless of who you are and where you are on your journey, God loves you…  He adores you, and He longs to have more and more of you.    

For further study:

Read John 14:6. Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

What does Jesus say about himself? (Note: He doesn’t say He is one of several…  or one of many.  He says he is “the” meaning only.)

Read Hebrews 10:22-25 and 36.  …let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.  36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Think about your own personal journey.  What truths do you learn from these verses?  What is your hope?  What does God want us to do?  Why do we persevere?

Day Three…  July 26, 2012

I felt pretty victorious yesterday.  I had some battles, but the Holy Spirit spoke loudly, I listened, and chose to handle my words differently…  that is, until Bible study time with the kids last night.

I really believe women do have a special gift of intuition.  We can truly “sense” when something is about to happen.  If you agree, then you will greatly appreciate this story. 

My husband Chris had settled on the middle cushion of our couch to lead our family Bible study.   Two-year old Zoe and I were lying on the floor below with our heads resting on the front of the couch.  Five-year old Joe hopped up on the couch with six-year old Thomas right behind him.  However, Thomas was being a little rambunctious.  I could sense what was about to happen if he didn’t settle down, so I warned him to calm down, be careful, and not fall on my head.  And guess what happened only a few seconds later?  Yep!  He fell on top of my head!  Not only did he fall on my head, but he hit my glasses as well.  (If this mental picture makes you laugh, please go right ahead.  I find it very funny now.  But in the moment, I was so angry!)  My glasses were smashed into my face and I had just told him to settle down, so this didn’t happen.  I looked at him with the “mommy piercing eye look” and spoke with the “mad mommy” voice, “Thomas!  Didn’t I tell you to be careful, so this didn’t happen?”  In a flash, he looked at me with big, sincere eyes, and said in his sweet, child voice, “Mommy…  I’m sorry.  Are you okay?”  I was amazed how quickly my fury subsided.  My son had made a mistake…  he hadn’t meant to,…  but he did.  Now, I had a choice on how I would respond.  Would I continue to tell him how wrong he was for not heeding my warning or would I tell him he was forgiven? 

I wish I could say I immediately wanted to forgive him and hug him, but my flesh cried out from within to make sure he knew the wrong he did.  So, I didn’t speak.  Instead, I turned to the family Bible study time.  After we were finished, I called Thomas over and told him I loved him.  I told him I forgave him.  And, then, with a grin, I told him I wanted to know what he learned from falling on my head.  He smiled and said, “I learned to never do that again.  Next time I will listen to you, Mommy, because we both got hurt.”  I asked him how he was hurt and he proceeded to tell me that my glasses had poked him in the hiney!  We laughed and hugged.  And now I sit and smile grateful for a precious moment with my child rather than an ugly one.    

***

Father, thank you for giving me the wisdom and self-control I needed in that moment to truly love my son. Thank you also for showing me during some study time on Ephesians 4:29 that “unwholesome” also means “corrupt, rotten, or foolish talking.”  When I read those words, I immediately pictured green puffs of air coming from my mouth every time I speak unwholesomely.  And, the more I speak it, the more my home fills with the green, suffocating stuff.  Before long, my entire family is breathing in the poison from my mouth.  That isn’t what I want, Lord.  It truly isn’t.  Forgive me for the angry words spoken tonight in my frustration and weariness.  I long to be filled with more love…  to put on more of Jesus’ love everyday so that sweetness comes from my lips and fills my home with the sweet aroma of Him.  Teach me how to do it…  guide me. 

Thank you for the successes today.  Thank you that in You, there can be more tomorrow. 

***

My Child,

I see your weariness tonight.  Know you did well, and you are forgiven.  This is a process.  Tomorrow is a new day.  You have chosen the best things…  time with Me.  So sleep well…  rest in Me…  And we will walk this journey together again tomorrow.

Your Peaceful Father

Today I shared how God is working in my life; how He longs to free me from my unwholesome talk.  Your stronghold or struggle may be different, however, the picture of green poison or sweet fragrance is the same regardless.  Sin brings about poison.  Jesus brings the sweet fragrance.  Are you stinky or sweet? 

Every time we sin (for example, when I speak unwholesomely to others, or even to myself), we are literally puffing out poison meant to harm.  Think about that for a moment.  Think of your home… your workplace…  think about every place you spend time.  If you could really see the impact you are making in these places, would it be the sweet fragrance of Jesus or the suffocating poison?  Talk to your loving Father about where you are and where you long to be.  He’ll help you…  He will always help you.

For Further Study:

Read John 8:1-11.  What words describe the woman?

What words describe Jesus?

What do you learn about Him? 

Read 1 John 1:9.  What do you learn about God?

Day Two…   July 25, 2012

I was a bit nervous when I woke up today at 4:40 a.m.  I woke up very alert.  Too alert.  I wanted to go back to sleep.  I begged God to make me sleep.  In fact, I was afraid not to sleep.  When I don’t sleep, I get crabby…  I get irritable…  I am easily frustrated and angered.  But sleep wouldn’t come.  I finally surrendered to wakefulness and to God.  And God blessed me.  He washed Ephesians 4:29 over me.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it might benefit those who listen.” 

This has been my Word from God to help me be aware of not only what I say, but the tone in which I say it to my loved ones.  It has caused me to ask myself these questions about my words…  Is my tone helpful and encouraging?  Does it build others up?  Does it meet their needs?  Are the words and phrases I am speaking helpful?  Encouraging?  Building others up?  Do they meet others’ needs? 

I praise God for the good days.  But to be real, I also have bad days.  And I’m so tired of using a clipped, exasperated tone when everyone in my house is not doing exactly what I think they should be doing -  or when I am just plain exhausted.  I don’t use this tone or speak harsh words continually, but I do it often enough that I hear the same tone coming from my children at times.  Ouch!  It hurts.  It is convicting.  And honestly, it breaks my heart.  My sinful, unnecessary, unwholesome talk is being passed on.  And I want change.  I want every tone and word coming from my mouth to be helpful, encouraging, and building.  “Every” seems like a lofty goal for this girl – especially when sleep deprived!

So I wrote the verse on the white board in our kitchen.  I pulled out very large index cards, wrote the verse on several of them, and placed them all over the house.  I have it on my van dashboard.  It is on each side of the door we use to come in and out of the house.  I have it above my kitchen sink…  above the water/ice area on my fridge…  on the wall we face going into the hallway…  below the TV’s…  on my bathroom mirror…  on my dresser mirror where I fix my hair.  Seem like overkill?  I don’t think so.  I want it everywhere I turn.  I want it to consume me from the inside out.  I want it to not only be in my mind and heart, but I want it so deep that I can’t help but live it.  To me it can’t be overkill because God’s Word is alive and I want it living in my home and within each of us!  In fact, I may put it up a few more places as soon as my hand is done cramping! 

  

Even with very little sleep, it has been a calm day.  Of course, maybe it helps that I have the day off to catch up from our vacation, the boys are at the movies and Zoe is napping…  but I’m calm in my spirit…  and that is a nice change for today!  But really, I think the only true explanation for little sleep and calmness is Jesus.  And I’ll take it!

***

It is 1:18 p.m. and I’m feeling encouraged, Lord.  I feel like freedom is available…  I feel like it is possible…  and I want to remember this moment.  I want to savor it in my mind…  how it feels…  how I feel… because I know the temptations are going to come.  Please Lord, bring this moment to my mind when they do come.  Remind me of this time of peace and rest in the midst of the busyness.

I know the verse coming to mind is from You.  I know the thought of not raising my voice for any reason comes from You.  I asked for Your help and You are.  Please give me something each day to build upon the previous day.  I honestly don’t know what I’m doing…  I just know I’m following You…  and that feels so very, very good. 

I thank you that I cannot fix my broken self.  I thank you that You can.  And for today, I see Your hand and I’m listening…  and I’m seeking…  and I’m trusting You to do the work You long to do in me.

***********************************

You are listening today, Child.  You are listening and following Me.  And I am pleased.  I love revealing mysteries to you.  I love placing My Word across Your heart…  and I love it even more when You listen and heed.  I am blessed when you accept the blessing I give to you.

Relish in this moment of peace.  And remember, this is possible.  In My strength it is always possible.  You must also remember you cannot fix the broken things and people of this world…  not even yourself or those you love.  It is not your job…  it is not your burden to carry…  it is not your role.  Trust Me.  Trust Me to heal the brokenness in My time and in My way.  Don’t grumble or complain or argue…  just trust My ways and My plans.  For I have already told you they are much higher than what your mind can comprehend here on earth…  and they are good…  they are very good…  and every one of them is for the plan of eternity.

I am with you.  I will not abandon you.  I will not leave you even for a moment.  Trust Me.  For My love for you is more than you can fathom…  and it will never end.

Love,

Your proud Dad

I wonder what you struggle with in your life.  My unwholesome talk may seem trivial to some, but it is real to me.  And it is what my Savior wants to set me free from.  There are plenty of other sins and strongholds God wants to free me from, but this is where my journey started.  Where will yours start?  What has God shown you?  Is it unwholesome talk?  Is it a haughty attitude?  Is it an ungodly relationship?  Or maybe an ungodly habit or addiction?  What is it in your life that brings you to the Savior over and over again seeking forgiveness?

Do you know He has a Word for you too?  He has given us 66 books to guide, direct, comfort and love us.  And I guarantee you there is a Word for you.  If you haven’t found your Word yet, I’d love to help you.  Just email me at hgillespie@fccn.org and give me a brief synopsis of what you or a friend is struggling with.  I’ll do my best to find and share with you verses you can plaster all over your house and car too!  It has made a difference for me.  Why?  I believe it is because of the truth found in Isaiah 55:10-11, “As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth:    It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”    Read those words I emphasized one more time.  What does God say about the word from His mouth?   1.  It will not return to Him empty.

2.      It will accomplish what He desires.

3.      It will achieve the purpose for which He sent it.

God’s Word is powerful.  It brought me peace and calm the second day…  and while my journey continues with ups and downs (which I’ll continue to share with you for a season), the peace I received was one that was from the depths of my soul…  the kind of peace that only comes from Jesus. 

Close today by asking God for something from His Word, the Bible.  And email me for some help if He leads you to do so.

For further study:

Read Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

How should we give our anxiety, or as the original Greek text says, “our cares which trouble us,” to God?

What will He give us in return if we are open to receive it?

Read Isaiah 55:8-9, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

What do you learn about God’s thoughts and ways?

Does this comfort you?  Scare you?  What does this mean to you?

Read Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” What does God promise?  What does this mean to you?

whit� r � < �& �O� pan>For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

What do you learn about God’s thoughts and ways?

Does this comfort you?  Scare you?  What does this mean to you?

Read Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” What does God promise?  What does this mean to you?

My Messy Life

My sweet two year old daughter likes to come with bed-head in the mornings.  She looks at me through the mass of hair in her face and says, “Mama, my hair a mess.”  And she is right.  Her hair is just long enough to be all in her face, but not yet long enough for it to stay pulled back.

This morning my heart connected with those words.  As Zoe said, “Mama, my hair a mess,” I wanted to say, “Zoe, baby, your hair is beautiful, but your Mom is a mess.”  Have you had those days?  Weeks?  Months?

I’ve actually been writing to God about my messy life for just over a month now.  In July He and I had a come to Jesus meeting.  I broke down and we started a new journey.  It is a very personal journey.  And it is very messy.  As I spent the morning reading over each day’s writing, I realized just how messy my life is.  In fact, for a bit I let the messiness wash a massive wave of guilt over me.  But He reminded me that I am redeemed. 

I’ve been asking God for a few weeks now if it is time to share pieces of the journey with other women.  And today I believe He has said YES.  My confirmation came as I listened to the KLOVE radio station.  But before I start sharing pieces of the journey, I want to put a few things out there…

1. Please don’t ever put me on a pedestal or expect me to meet your personal expectations.  I’m a real, messy, imperfect woman who loves Jesus.  I love Him with all my heart, and yet fail Him every day.  I’ve tried to live perfectly, yet failed miserably.  I can’t do it.  It isn’t possible for this girl.  So I live under grace each day striving to live a life that makes my heavenly Father smile.  So if you think I have it all together and am going to share secrets of how to get your life all together, then don’t waste your time reading…  I’m not that girl.  I’m far, far from it.
2. I have a lot of fears in sharing.  To be extremely honest, I’m afraid you will want to throw stones at me, so to speak.  Many who read this will have their lives so much more put together than me…  and I’m afraid of what they will think.  But then I’m reminded there will always be those further along in their walk with Christ,…  but there will also be those just starting out and maybe God wants to use the realness of my life to reach someone else.  Just remember, I’m a girl loving Jesus who lives under a lot of grace.
3. Because of my messy life, I do not want you to use it to justify your own sin.  Let me say it another way.  If you journey with me, please do not let my sins excuse your own.  I’ve had that happen and it turns my stomach.  Sin is sin.  I battle it.  You battle it.  May we never compare our sins or justify them.
4. I will use wisdom and discernment in what I share.  I share with the permission of my family.  I will be honest.  But I will never share “too much information.”  If you leave comments, please do the same.

So are you ready?  Well, here you go! With a racing heart and shaking hands, I give you the first day of my come to Jesus meeting with God.  You’ll see my heart, then my prayer, and then the words which flooded my mind in the stillness of the moment…  words I believe were from the Father.    

Day One…  July 24, 2012

I’m broken once again.  I’m tired.  I’m emotionally drained.  I’m physically exhausted.  I know I can’t continue repeating the same cycle over and over again.  I hate sin.  I really do.  And yet I can’t seem to stop.  I’ve tried.  And I’ve tried.  And nothing changes for long.

I don’t understand.  I believe.  I’m in ministry.  I teach Bible studies.  I counsel other women.  Yet what I teach and what I counsel others in isn’t working for me.  So I’m broken again. On the floor.  Tears streaming down my face.  Begging God once again.  Begging for real change.  Desperate for Him to fix me.  I can’t fix myself.  I’ve tried.  And today I wonder if He wants to give up on me.  I wonder if He is tired of having to forgive me.  Why wouldn’t He be?   He forgives.  I change for a few days.  And then I do it again.  He must be frustrated with me. 

I crave Jesus.  I long for Him to fix me.  I want Him to be my hero who comes in and saves me from myself.  I’m even fine with Him knocking me in the head if that is what will bring change.  I just want this sin put to rest forever.  I want it gone.  I want the cycle finished.  I want to move on.  So, I surrender it once again.  I lay it at the foot of the cross. 

****

I’ve tried this so many times before, Lord and it hasn’t worked.  I know of your freedom from sin.  I believe in Your power.  Yet, I can’t beat this sin of perfection and selfishness…  bitterness and anger…  harsh words and criticalness…  self-righteousness and pride.  I’m tired of trying - only to fail again.  I’m tired of repenting -  only to fall again.  So today I lay it down again with my whole heart.  Only this time, I’ll write the journey.  I’ll use the writing as accountability.  And if you will change me…  if you will change my heart…  I will share every step with other women.  I will share every tear and plea of desperation.  I will share what works and what doesn’t.  And I will use this to minister to others if it is Your will.  I’m struggling.  I’m broken.  I’m tired.  I have to change, Lord.  I must change.  Please give forgive me, and give me another chance.  Give me another chance.  

****

Oh my precious Child.  I see you.  I hear you.  And I love you.  I love everything about you from your eyelashes to your heart.  I created you.  And I adore you.  Nothing you do will ever change my love for you.  Nothing will ever cause me to give up on you.  For that is not who I am.  I am your Father…  I am your Creator…  you belong to Me.

I see your struggle.  I know your struggle.  You must not forget I am the one who crafted your innermost being.  I am the one who gave you not only your outside appearance, but your personality as well.  I gave you strengths and gifts to use for Me.  I also gave you weaknesses for Me. 

Your battle is not against flesh and blood, but of the spiritual realm.  Every day Satan wants to defeat you…  but you must remember that you can never be defeated because you are Mine.  If you will use prayer and my Word, then you will be using the right weapons in this fight.  There is nothing you can do of your own flesh to win.  There is no habit you can change.  There is no trick.  There is Me. 

Each time you have come to Me, you have given me more of your heart.  I ask this time for your whole heart…  not just your mind…  not just part of your heart…  but all of you and all of your heart.  If you will, then I will be able to do the work I have prepared.  And you will then be able to do the work I have called You to do. 

It will be different this time, my loved one.  It will be different.  For you are seeking differently.  And when you seek Me, you will find Me every time.  Run this race with Me and find the freedom I offer you.

Your Dad

  

There it is…  the realness of Day One.  I wonder if you have had similar conversations with God?  If you have ever found yourself in a cycle?  If you have ever felt like God has given up on you or just couldn’t forgive you one more time?  If you have, I pray you can see the words of Your Dad…  of His love…  His deep, deep, everlasting and unconditional love. 

You’ve read a lot today, but I want to encourage you to do one more thing…  Spend some time talking with your Dad in Heaven.  Does He have your whole heart?  Are you battling a cycle of sin?  Lay it down with Him.  And find the love, peace, hope and freedom He has to offer.  I'll meet you here again soon with more of my journey.   ~Holly  

For further reading:

What does God say about you in Psalm 139?

What does God promise you in Jeremiah 29:11?

What does God promise you in Jeremiah 33:2-4?