My Messy Life

My sweet two year old daughter likes to come with bed-head in the mornings.  She looks at me through the mass of hair in her face and says, “Mama, my hair a mess.”  And she is right.  Her hair is just long enough to be all in her face, but not yet long enough for it to stay pulled back.

This morning my heart connected with those words.  As Zoe said, “Mama, my hair a mess,” I wanted to say, “Zoe, baby, your hair is beautiful, but your Mom is a mess.”  Have you had those days?  Weeks?  Months?

I’ve actually been writing to God about my messy life for just over a month now.  In July He and I had a come to Jesus meeting.  I broke down and we started a new journey.  It is a very personal journey.  And it is very messy.  As I spent the morning reading over each day’s writing, I realized just how messy my life is.  In fact, for a bit I let the messiness wash a massive wave of guilt over me.  But He reminded me that I am redeemed. 

I’ve been asking God for a few weeks now if it is time to share pieces of the journey with other women.  And today I believe He has said YES.  My confirmation came as I listened to the KLOVE radio station.  But before I start sharing pieces of the journey, I want to put a few things out there…

1. Please don’t ever put me on a pedestal or expect me to meet your personal expectations.  I’m a real, messy, imperfect woman who loves Jesus.  I love Him with all my heart, and yet fail Him every day.  I’ve tried to live perfectly, yet failed miserably.  I can’t do it.  It isn’t possible for this girl.  So I live under grace each day striving to live a life that makes my heavenly Father smile.  So if you think I have it all together and am going to share secrets of how to get your life all together, then don’t waste your time reading…  I’m not that girl.  I’m far, far from it.
2. I have a lot of fears in sharing.  To be extremely honest, I’m afraid you will want to throw stones at me, so to speak.  Many who read this will have their lives so much more put together than me…  and I’m afraid of what they will think.  But then I’m reminded there will always be those further along in their walk with Christ,…  but there will also be those just starting out and maybe God wants to use the realness of my life to reach someone else.  Just remember, I’m a girl loving Jesus who lives under a lot of grace.
3. Because of my messy life, I do not want you to use it to justify your own sin.  Let me say it another way.  If you journey with me, please do not let my sins excuse your own.  I’ve had that happen and it turns my stomach.  Sin is sin.  I battle it.  You battle it.  May we never compare our sins or justify them.
4. I will use wisdom and discernment in what I share.  I share with the permission of my family.  I will be honest.  But I will never share “too much information.”  If you leave comments, please do the same.

So are you ready?  Well, here you go! With a racing heart and shaking hands, I give you the first day of my come to Jesus meeting with God.  You’ll see my heart, then my prayer, and then the words which flooded my mind in the stillness of the moment…  words I believe were from the Father.    

Day One…  July 24, 2012

I’m broken once again.  I’m tired.  I’m emotionally drained.  I’m physically exhausted.  I know I can’t continue repeating the same cycle over and over again.  I hate sin.  I really do.  And yet I can’t seem to stop.  I’ve tried.  And I’ve tried.  And nothing changes for long.

I don’t understand.  I believe.  I’m in ministry.  I teach Bible studies.  I counsel other women.  Yet what I teach and what I counsel others in isn’t working for me.  So I’m broken again. On the floor.  Tears streaming down my face.  Begging God once again.  Begging for real change.  Desperate for Him to fix me.  I can’t fix myself.  I’ve tried.  And today I wonder if He wants to give up on me.  I wonder if He is tired of having to forgive me.  Why wouldn’t He be?   He forgives.  I change for a few days.  And then I do it again.  He must be frustrated with me. 

I crave Jesus.  I long for Him to fix me.  I want Him to be my hero who comes in and saves me from myself.  I’m even fine with Him knocking me in the head if that is what will bring change.  I just want this sin put to rest forever.  I want it gone.  I want the cycle finished.  I want to move on.  So, I surrender it once again.  I lay it at the foot of the cross. 

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I’ve tried this so many times before, Lord and it hasn’t worked.  I know of your freedom from sin.  I believe in Your power.  Yet, I can’t beat this sin of perfection and selfishness…  bitterness and anger…  harsh words and criticalness…  self-righteousness and pride.  I’m tired of trying - only to fail again.  I’m tired of repenting -  only to fall again.  So today I lay it down again with my whole heart.  Only this time, I’ll write the journey.  I’ll use the writing as accountability.  And if you will change me…  if you will change my heart…  I will share every step with other women.  I will share every tear and plea of desperation.  I will share what works and what doesn’t.  And I will use this to minister to others if it is Your will.  I’m struggling.  I’m broken.  I’m tired.  I have to change, Lord.  I must change.  Please give forgive me, and give me another chance.  Give me another chance.  

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Oh my precious Child.  I see you.  I hear you.  And I love you.  I love everything about you from your eyelashes to your heart.  I created you.  And I adore you.  Nothing you do will ever change my love for you.  Nothing will ever cause me to give up on you.  For that is not who I am.  I am your Father…  I am your Creator…  you belong to Me.

I see your struggle.  I know your struggle.  You must not forget I am the one who crafted your innermost being.  I am the one who gave you not only your outside appearance, but your personality as well.  I gave you strengths and gifts to use for Me.  I also gave you weaknesses for Me. 

Your battle is not against flesh and blood, but of the spiritual realm.  Every day Satan wants to defeat you…  but you must remember that you can never be defeated because you are Mine.  If you will use prayer and my Word, then you will be using the right weapons in this fight.  There is nothing you can do of your own flesh to win.  There is no habit you can change.  There is no trick.  There is Me. 

Each time you have come to Me, you have given me more of your heart.  I ask this time for your whole heart…  not just your mind…  not just part of your heart…  but all of you and all of your heart.  If you will, then I will be able to do the work I have prepared.  And you will then be able to do the work I have called You to do. 

It will be different this time, my loved one.  It will be different.  For you are seeking differently.  And when you seek Me, you will find Me every time.  Run this race with Me and find the freedom I offer you.

Your Dad

  

There it is…  the realness of Day One.  I wonder if you have had similar conversations with God?  If you have ever found yourself in a cycle?  If you have ever felt like God has given up on you or just couldn’t forgive you one more time?  If you have, I pray you can see the words of Your Dad…  of His love…  His deep, deep, everlasting and unconditional love. 

You’ve read a lot today, but I want to encourage you to do one more thing…  Spend some time talking with your Dad in Heaven.  Does He have your whole heart?  Are you battling a cycle of sin?  Lay it down with Him.  And find the love, peace, hope and freedom He has to offer.  I'll meet you here again soon with more of my journey.   ~Holly  

For further reading:

What does God say about you in Psalm 139?

What does God promise you in Jeremiah 29:11?

What does God promise you in Jeremiah 33:2-4?